Sometimes ............

Sometimes I wonder..

Sometimes I think..

Sometimes I understand..

Sometimes I want to be understood..

Sometimes, I just want things to be sometimes..

Probably, there is a negativity in every positive thing and an amazing heart warming pulsating adrenaline pumping motivating truth in every negativity too. It just depends on how you look at things.

On an average, in a day, my routine varies from moving off my favorite couch to prepare for the battle and face the extra nutritious day. It begins from reading newspaper, watching a little bit of news and than switch over to music. Than check my mails, read some online articles. When clock strikes right time, I get ready and am off to work with a little or no food in my ever growing tummy. It is at this time that life starts feeding me with new things.

On the way to work, I notice so many things. People in different places, different moods, different clothes, different vehicles, different attitudes.. There is varsity in variety every where. I try to find a unique thing in everything. A thing that stands out of the odd. A thing that would want others to want it. I search for that.

Travellers, walkers, people who are sitting, mostly looking at the earth all the time. I wonder at these times as to how depressed and pessimistic has their own choices made them. How I wish I could help each one of them.

I see trees swinging, leaves dancing, branches singing in melancholy, telling things to humans.. Do not worry. Things will happen as they are destined to. Wind will blow, trees will shake. I understood that. Its the unspoken law of nature. At the same time, I see the look on various faces. Faces filled with anxiety, pain, mild happiness, tiredness, grief, sorrow, suffering and every possible negative emotions I could probably list.

All the while during my journey from home to work, I try to find one person who would atleast smile looking at a stranger and say in an unsaid words "We are alive".. I try to find that one person, every single day for past 2.5 years. I will continue to find that person. Not just from home to work, in every road I would travel, in every person my eyes could possibly see.

I reach office. With one thing in my mind. "I will not let today be like yesterday". I come with a motto to make today a better one compared to yesterday. I will face every challenging situation in a motivational way. I will not compromise myself for any living thing or a non living thing at work. I will make sure to beat my yesterday's efficiency today. So what if I get paid less, I will earn my pay for what as a person I am. Not for who I am with at work.

With that in my mind, as I step in, I feel the heat of negativity surrounding my desk. As I am approaching, I tell myself, to continue to persist. I have got myself used to watch laziness, as fat as cows as thin as skeletons, as ignorant as snail. I have seen wickedness as wicked as jackal or a hyena. I have seen every genre of animals in the zoo. Almost everything. It is here that I realized there was one more kind. A kind that is not to be found anywhere.

In my stay as an employee, after my college days, I have realized some important things. Some people work for gaining experience. Some work for money. Some work for pleasure. Some work for finding happiness. Some seek growth. Some work for building contacts. Some work for nothing. common thing in all of them is something interesting. When you happen to ask them 'Why are you doing whatever you are doing?", surprisingly for others not me, they do not know the answer. They would just say "I finished my school. After that college. I got a job. I am working. I want to earn more." And then, I met the new kind. The self-centered crowd. These do not care what happens to others, how others might feel. All they are worried is about recognition, more recognition, more and more recognition. I want to climb 100 steps in 4 jumps.

It is at these times that I think. I think of how it would be in the corporate world, if we had honest works. When targets were not met, if the employees took that as a challenge to work the best next time, how would things be? I think of how the corporate world would be. I think on what I would need to do to atleast take the first step towards that. What I think is what I believe I can do. I think.

As the day goes, I work. Same routine, same genre of mails, same contacts, new escalations, new projects, new challenges.

It is at these times I understand. I understand how things at work affect one another. How the result of one's work is the input for the process of someone else's work. I understand the flow. I understand why as a person people are who they are. I understand why people made choices that they preferred over the other option.

Considering what people are, I work to ensure that I live to what I deide for the day. I live not to compromise myself for the benefit of others for their selfish motives. I do not intend to hurt anyone while I work for the betterment of others. First chance is forgivable. Second chance is manageable. Third chance can possibly a warning sign. But the next one, it is better to close the tap off or cut the feathers down or even worse, flush the shit out.

I fight a battle with myself every single day. I being a human too, tend to be biasing towards people. I have that feeling to do good to those who I am always with and talk to. I tend to be that as a person. Call it as an inluence of people I am working with or the environment on me. I tend to be like that. But I deter from it, fight the temptation away and let me smile at myself and say one thing "I am me".

I care for people whom I respect a lot for what as a person they are. Sometimes, I tend to help them even without they asking me for it. At times I tend to be more concerned about their problems because I cant see them worried and upset. Till I find a valuable and persistent solution, I never take a break. Whenever there is a problem, I love to be the first person to come there to solve it up. Once it is solved, I love to sit back and see the happiness and not ask for what I did. Its a challenge to be selfless and I seemt o have mastered it.

Sometimes, whatever I do, however I do, whenever I do, things go wrong. Not because of me. But because of certain circumstances and situations. Sometimes those whom I count on, tend to doubt my very being. Sometimes, those who know me for a lot reasons and a lot better, do not seem to have a clue of what I am going through. Sometimes I just expect someone tojust walk to me and ask me those magical words "Can I help you?", sometimes I just want someone to come over me and sit beside me and put an arm across my shoulders and say "I am there", sometimes, I tend to be human and crave for someone's presence, efficient enough to motivate me. I do not like asking those things for they make me weak.

It is at these times that I want to be understood. It is at these times that I really want to be understood.

A lot of hope rides on my back in everything I do, in everything I think, in everything I feel, in everything i want, in everything I give, in everything..

Sometimes, I just want things to be sometimes...

Vulnerability

One of the greatest wastage of the time is to do something really well, which you should not be doing at all.

Many do not realize this in their daily life and when their expected results do not show up, they play the best known game to humanity, THE BLAME GAME. It is in this game that fingers start pointing in opposite directions. They get pissed off with everything that is happening to them and around them. It is during this time that they take the most stupid and irrelevant decisions for their lives, which eventually, ends up making them regret taking it. This is not something that I have seen once so far. I see it every day. Every hour. And think of this nature most of the time, wondering what can I do to ensure that I would not be in such a situation.

Ever since I thought about the time that was being wasted in my life and ever since I decided to use it for good and for betterment of things around me and for me, my outloook at thing changed drastically. For instance,
1. When I say something, I think again, Wonder if I really had to say it. This has led me to be more quiet and do more.
2. When I work on something that I should not be doing, I think. I think as to who should be doing and I find out the reason why that person is not doing it. Help him / her to accept their responsibility and make them do it.
3. When I am on call, I think if it is really needed for me to be on the call. I used to talk a lot, but I realized that, most of my time, the one that I could use for myself was being given away. Not that it was not helping the other person, That's the essence of any conversation I like to have, helping the other person, I do it, but a times, get drifted away. Now, my motto is to reduce that drift.

I have been thinking. I have been with so many people, done so many things, learnt so many, understood so many, but yet, I have been wondering as to why I make the same mistakes that I did earlier. Why is it, as a human, to let go certain things that are no longer holding good. Why is it that certain emotions, feelings, never decide to disappear.. When I think of all these things, only one thing comes in my mind. The quest continues...

My Dream

While I am writing on my next article on my blog, I get a call from an unknown number. I love the ringtone I have assigned for any calls I get> So I take a while to pick the call. After10 seconds, I pick the call. The voice on the other side is very intriguing. It reminded me of the voice of narration in the movie "No country for old men". Similar voice, A voice that had so much of depth in it. A deep understanding of worldly things and beyond anyone else's thinking was reflecting in that voice.

"I know you probably would not have expected the call at this time of the day." I was saying to myself. "oh yes, it is 3am".
The man continued talking. "There is something that you need to know and do certain things."
I replied "What are you talking about and Do I know you?"
"No. Probably you will. Sooner."
"What is it that you are referring to?"
"You need to go to this place for knowing the answers for the questions that you have at the moment and answers for many more things."
'I think this is a joke. I am not interested in this conversation."
"Make a note of this address" told the man on the line to me.
Realizing that he indeed was serious about it, I make a note of it.
"Leave and arrive there as soon as possible". There was silence for a moment. I replied "But.." Interrupting me, the man said " See you there!"

With a lot of hesitancy and sarcasm in my mind, I begin to think. Many questions started to pounce at me. It was as though a pandora's box was opened. Why did I get the call? Who was that guy? What did he mean I need to know and do certain things? What am I supposed to know? Why should I go to this address? Will I be meeting this guy? many more adding to the woe.

The more I thought, the more I became curious. I thought it was a passing moment. But something in me was telling me that I was supposed to take on this journey. I guess we all call this as our gut feeling. Because, it is the gut feeling that gives us directions when the mind is overloaded with too much of thinking process and thoughts. Take for an example of we not doing certain things, which if we did, could have proven lethal for our very being. Hence, in order that I was listening to the correct inner voice, I made a decision.

Two hours later, I was sitting in the train. It took me a research of 15 minutes online to find the directions to go to the place, whose address was given to me by the anonymous caller. Almost every site told me that there was no flight to the place. I had to travel 6 hours in train followed by a health wrecking journey of 8 hours in the bus.

I managed to get myself a ticket, bored myself into the train, struggled past the initial huddle of luggage of a couple. I pity the husband as well as the wife. Walked past few compartments. Some had kids jumping, some were filled with old people, talking about their good old days. Considering my anxious moments of the journey, I decided to find myself a place that was secluded, which would give me enough time and silence that would let me hear my inner voices. As the train started moving, my heart started thumping harder and faster and there was some kind of panic in me. Something was telling me to get off the train and run back to my normal life. I said "Satan, get lost. I am not heeding to your advice." I smiled.

After a while into the journey, I saw the trees dancing to the tune of the wind. Animals resting in the sound music made by the branches and leaves, which never had a chance to rest due to relentless wind.

Thoughts. They came back again. "Is this really necessary? Should I do it? Why was I asked to do this? Did the guy call other people in the same way? Was someone trying to kill me? " Than I realized, and told to myself, may be it is a quest that I was avoiding for a long time. May be..

After I reached the place, I got off the train. Walked to the care taker of the railway station and showed him the piece of paper. Gesturing him, I asked him where the place was and how far it is. He was surprised and wanted to say something to me. Somehow, he managed to suppress it. He told me I had to take a bus and travel almost 8 hours and it was not going to be an easy journey as the road was too terrible. Heeding to his suggestion, I walked out of the station, walked past few shops, and entered a huge open space. Few buses were parked. I managed to find a bus that went to the place on the paper.

The journey was too far from better. For 8 hours, though I was on a machine, I felt I was sitting in a cart. What could have taken 3 hours journey in urban area, took 8 hours in this down trodden rural area. After 4 hours of travelling, the bus started its path on a hill. Until then I had no faint idea that I was going to a hill station. I was now happy. I just started taking pictures from my camera. The views were fabulous. I just wanted to capture as much as I could. After almost 8 hours and 20 minutes, I reached the place.

Walking past few buildings, I saw a huge gate. I was tempted to know what was in that. It had a marvelous design. just then, I saw an old man. He was sitting at few blocks away from the huge gate. I walked to him and asked him, "Good afternoon sir, I have been asked to come to this place by an anonymous caller. Not sure if what I say makes sense, but this is the address I was asked to find. Can you please help me with that?"

Without even looking at it, the old man said, "My child, you might want to take rest for some time, enjoy the stupendous beauty of this hill station, have nice dinner and than search for the place in the morning, tomorrow."

I was reluctant with his answers and was taken aback. I told to myself, "what a loser he is." and slowly started to walk past the man. But to my surprise, he called me back, and asked "I think the address is of some importance to you. Let me have a look at it. But why are you here?'

Without saying a word, I passed the piece of paper to him. His eyes went wide open, he had the same expression as the care taker of the railway station. I was excited that something really unexpected was in store for me, at the same time I was worried as well. I was not prepared yet. The old man gave the paper back. He looked at me, and said, "You were wondering what was in that gate, dint you? Why do not you have a look by going inside?"

I was astonished that he had read my thoughts. I walked past the gate, and found nothing inside. It was a plain ground, and it was the same as far as my sight could reach. No thing, not even one. I came back out of the gate, told the same to the man. he said "Child, sometimes things do not appear as they really are. You need to listen to your inner voice and see in a way that you normally look at things."

I said "Ok. I will try again. But this time when I come back, you need to tel me where that address is." He nodded his head.

Holding my breath, I walked into the gate. To my surprise, I saw a tree at a long distance. I was afraid. Came out running, told the same to the old man. He said "It is a sign. Follow it. Do not give up. Here is where my help to you ends."

I felt apple in my throat. I was like "what the hell just happened?"......... I went back in, and started walking towards the tree. It was at a long distance. I was walking for almost 30 minutes. I was thirsty and hungry and tired. I wanted to rest. But, as the old man had told, i did not give up. I walked, walked and walked until I reached the tree.

There was a note, that was sculptured on the trunk of the huge tree. It said:
" Here is the starting point of your journey and this is where it was destined to being, You will face many challenges. How you view at them is your view. End result will always favor you."

I was confused, surprised, hearth thumping, I could hear it. Blood circulating at a much higher pace. No directions to go, no other things to see. I remembered the old man saying "sometimes things do not appear as they really are.. " I closed my eyes for few seconds and thought myself of buildings. I opened my eyes. I was stunned. Breath taking. I had buildings all around me. Malls, skyscrapers, many more to view. It was as though I was in an imaginary world which would make me see things that I wanted to see. But something was still missing.

I started walking. It was scary to see the place with no people in.it. I finally saw a grocery mall. There was a man. I walked into it, and I told him about what had happened all the while. He did not respond. He continued to do what he was probably good at. flipping the currency notes and counting them like a machine.

I was beginning to wonder and think as to how I can make him talk to me. I asked him, "Sir, do you think what I said you makes any sense to you or to someone els?" He looked at me as though the answer was in me. I did not know what to do. It is then that something told me to turn to my right and look into the store. I was shocked. I saw the person whom I love the most in the world and there she was in the mall just few yards right to me. just when I began to think what this meant, something rang. A huge sound. familiar sound. It started going louder and louder....

I opened my eyes. It was 1040 am. My cellphone was ringing. Same ringtone, unknown caller..........