Kaitlin: Her quest for happiness(Part 3)

Birds were slowly getting back to their respective nests.. Sooner it would be the time of dusk. A faint tinge of orange colour was taking its shape in the open sky, which would soon be filled with stars. Temperature was dropping down and wind was becoming cooler and cooler. Little did Kaitlin know that she would be out of home for such a long time. With her heart pounding, watching a talking daffodil, trying to learn new things, which she was hoping for, she continued to listen to Bo.

Bo continued, "Life in itself has no meaning. Life is an opportunity to create meaning. Meaning is not to be discovered; it has to be created. You will find meaning only if you create it. It is not lying there somewhere behind the bushes, so you can go and you search a little bit and find it. It is not there like a rock that you will find. It is a poetry to be composed, it is a song to be sung, it is a dance to be danced."

Kaitlin was surprised. She knew there was a mystery, but never did she feel that it would be so easy to understand. She was curious to know more, listen to what Bo had to tell.

"What is the problem that is bothering your heart? In order for us to continue the conversation,I would like to know in specific, all the things, from scratch to what they are now, tell me everything."

"I do not know where to begin from. They are all so intertwined. Everything that appeared as a real image has now turned into a mirage. Every effort, every ounce of energy that I had put into everything that I had done until now, has all gone in vain."

There appeared a tear in her eye. She was in the process. Process of venting out the pain. Bo had seen this several times. This was the starting point of an end and a beginning. An end of suffering, and a beginning of happiness.

Kaitlin continued, "I have been wanting to achieve sucess a lot. I never left any stone unturned. Everyone says future is not written on stone. But I believed in scripting it on my own. Everything was good. I guess, it appeared to be good. Until.."

With a smile on his face, Bo said "Are you hurt because you did not get what you wanted? Gift, some materialistic thing, recognition, success, love, what is it?"

"You have lived in a certain way up to now - don't you want to live in a different way? You have thought in a certain way up to now - don't you want some new glimpses in your being? Then be alert and don't listen to the mind. Mind is your past constantly trying to control your present and your future. It is the dead past which goes on controlling the alive present. Just become alert about it." said Bo.

"The mind does it with this method: it says, "If you don't listen to me, you will not be as efficient as I am." If you do an old thing you can be more efficient because you have done it before. If you do a new thing you cannot be efficient. The mind goes on talking like an economist, an efficiency expert; it goes on saying, "This is easier to do. Why do it the hard way? This is the way of least resistance." said Bo.

Bo continued, "Remember, whenever you have two things, two alternatives, choose the new one. Choose the harder, choose the one in which more awareness will be needed. At the cost of efficiency always choose awareness, and you will create the situation in which meditation will become possible. These are all just situations. Meditation will happen - I am not saying that just by doing them you will get to meditation, but they will be helpful. They will create the necessary situation in you, without which meditation cannot happen. Be less efficient but more creative. Let that be the motive. Don't be bothered too much about utilitarian ends. Rather, constantly remember that you are not here in life to become a commodity. You are not here to become a utility, that is below dignity. Your are not here just to become more and more efficient. You are her e to become more and more alive; you are here to become more and more intelligent; you are here to become more and more happy, ecstatically happy. "

Kaitlin could not relate to what Bo was telling her. She said, "I have asked for so many things. But I have never got them. Infact, I never get them. I had less freinds throughout my life, but now I managed to have many. I compromised with myself and changed myself. I am now living in two worlds. One which reflects my true self. One which is me but never me. It is this world that is bringing everything down upon me. Its as though entire sky with all starts was falling on me"

"Interesting.."

"I some how have begun to feel that void in me which is resenting me from everything."

Bo realised it was time for her to let her know the real truth.

"Have you heard of everlasting happiness? Have you heard anyone in this entire world talk to you about tales of being happily every after? I am sure you would have seen many movies, heard stories, parables. But how many of them are really true? Did you ever try to think as to why such things are being talked about? Have you ever tried to know about it?"

"It is all a mere thought which was acted upon. I have seen and heard enough of those. For some, they motivate, and for some, its a mere movie story. For some the parables are fun, for some, its foolishness. I never rely on that and will never trust upon it." said Kaitlin.

Bo said "Whatever you are feeling is the perfect reflection of the process that is in the making. What you think, what you feel, and what you manifest is always a perfect match. Ask what you want, what u really want. An answer to what you are asking is what universe does for you. It will make it happen for you.You dont ned to know how you will get it, you must bring yourself in an alignment to what you are asking for. Dont feel despair and anger for what you are asking. Begin to feel for what you are asking. When you turn fantasy into fact, you can think more."

"How? How can I do that?"

"Start to have gratitude. What we think about and thank about is what we bring about. Have an attitude of gratitude. Try to visualise. When you do, you materialise. IF you have been there in mind, you will go there in the body", said Bo.

"I find it to difficult to be like that. i do not think I would be able to do that."

"Kaitlin, all it takes is a little effort from you that will change the entire course."

"Do you want me to have gratitude for my manager who does not recognise my skills? Do you want me to have gratitude for the guy? The one with whom I had fallen in love with? Do you want me to thank all my friends, my colleagues, my relatives who never even were there when i really needed them to me? "

"Decide what you want, believe you can have it. Close your eyes and feel you have it. Open eyes and be happy of what you have and let universe take care of the rest. When you have an inspired thought, trust it and act on it. It all depends on how to tame your mind to think and nurture the thought that is developing in you."

"Its hard. it is really hard" sighed Kaitlin..

"Everyone falls in love,and then falls out too.The way to understanding love is rising in love .One must not be stuck with materialistic manifestations of Love. By falling in love you remain a child, by rising in love you mature. And by and by, love becomes not a relationship, it becomes a state of your being. Then it is not that you love this and you dont love that , no. You are simply love, whatsoever is happening, you give your love to it. You touch a rock and you touch as if you r touching ur beloved's body. You look at the tree and u look as u r looking at ur beloved's face. It becomes a state of being, not that you are in love. Now you are love. This is rising, this is not falling."

Bo continued, "Love is beautiful when you rise through it,and love becomes dirty and ugly when you fall through it. And sooner or later you will find that it proves poisonous, it becomes a bondage.You have been caught in it, your freedom has been crushed, your wings have been cut, now you are no more free. By falling in love, you become a possession; you posses and you allow somebody to possess you. You become a thing and you try to convert the other person, you have fallen in love with ,into a thing."

"Look at the husband and wife. They both have become like things, they are no more person. Both are trying to possess each other. Only things can be possesed. A person can never be. There is a clash, then they both become basically enemies.Then they are destructive to each other .Everyone goes on trying to posses the beloved,the lover.This is no longer love, in face when you possess a person, you hate, you destroy. Love should give freedom. Love is freedom. Love will make the beloved more and more free. Love will give wings and love will open the vast sky. It cannot become a prison, an enclosure. "

"Was this the way you have been?", questioned Bo.

Kaitlin was mesmerized with the words of Bo. She was now beginning to realise. Feel and understand and connect to what Bo has been trying to tell her. Because she asked questions, she got answers. Because she refused to believe, she understood and accepted reality.

"There is a saying, 'For every dark cloud there is a silver lining and sun eventually shines'. I guess, I was destined to have this conversation with you. This indeed has made me realise where I have been going wrong and how I have been growing wrong. There were times when i trusted my abilities, had faith that I would succeed, but my thought was not in alignment with my deed. This was the same in my personal life as well as professional life. At times, I did feel like giving it all up, and I did too."

Kaitlin continued, "I understand feeling as small and insignificant as humanly possible and how it can ache in places in me that I dint know it was existing in me. No matter what I had done, I still went to sleep, knowing everything, thinking everything and wondering where things went wrong."

There was a resurgence, a new beginning, a new era, a new confindence, a new passion for success in the eyes of Kaitlin. Bo, on seeing the change and effect of the conversation, smiled, for he knew, he made a difference on another soul.

He said, "I know it is hard to believe when anyone says 'I know how you feel', but I actually know how you feel."

There was silence. For few minutes, kaitlin felt, there was something very tranquile about the place, about the environment around her. It was filled with optimism and only streak of negative engery that was present was that of hers. But, it was slowly fading and eventually, it wil die out too.

The dawn had disappeared and the stars had begun to shine, There was darkness hovering over the field of daffodils and the grass went numb. There was a street light glowing at certain distance. Kaitlin got up, with a smile on her face and wiped the marks that tears had laid on her beautiful face.

"If i come here again, and keep coming here every now and then, will you continue to talk to me?"

"I will not assure you on that. But, I will surely be there when you need me the most, in those tuff and trivial and painful times. To give you what you need the most. Console. I will be there."

For the first time during that day, Kaitlin smiled whole heartedly, took a few steps towards Bo, held him in her hands, gave a kiss, and said "I will come again." and started to walk back home.

Though it was darkness and stars were shining everywhere, her face shone as bright as a diamond, for she was renewed, like an eagle is back with new wings and new beak. She was ready to conquer her happiness, for she new the path. Her real quest for happiness had just begun..

Kaitlin: Her quest for happiness(Part 2)

Wind was blowing, the breeze was traversing in a very peculiear manner. It was as though all the engery in it was focussed on one place. Beside the field of thousands of daffodils, lay a green pasture of excellent grass.

Kaitlin was sitting there, with her arms covering her knees and her head resting over her arms. She was weeping. The breeze was playing games with her lovely hair, soft n tender as silk. Eyebrows like an overview of swedish terrains, palms as soft as a year old baby, eyes as clear as a fresh stream of water.. Unique yet so much similar. As fair as the snow of the first snow fall in the Alps, she was simply beautiful.

The only thing that was wrong with her at that moment was the sadness she had in her heart, which made her appear very hurt. She did try to resent it. But it was just too much for her to overpower it. Little did she know that she was supposed to use emotions to her favour and not let emotions make use of her. Tears just started rolling out. They never ceased to stop. She was deeply hurt.

Bo, on noticing every little aspect and considering the situation she was in, started making a move. he had a plan in place. A much structured approach. We all know how weak emotions are and how easy it is for a person to misunderstand while in emotional void. Bo knew this fact to the core of his heart. In order to ensure that she gets no more hurt, made a calculated move.

"Can I ask the reason for your sorrow?" Kaitlin looked around. Found no one. She thought that may be it was inner conscience that was trying to talk to her. She ignored it. "I guess you did not notice me. My name is Bo. I think I can help you."

Kaitlin was now stunned. She had no clue where the voices were coming from. They just started out of nowhere, and were continually coming in. She got up and looked around eagerly. She said "Show me yourself. I do not talk to strangers. I would never converse with those who try to be in the dark and talk to others."

"If you look around and try to be as pure in thinking as you are, you would probably see me standing right in front of you."

"I have enough things to worry about and a life to live. I may not be able to find you if you are an invisible thing. I can hear you. But i chose not to talk because i have better things to worry about", replied Kaitlin.

"There is no meaning existing in life -- one has to create it. Only if you create it will you discover it. It has to be invented first. It is not lying there like a rock; it has to be created like a song. It is not a thing; it is a significance that you bring through your consciousness. Don't wait for it. It never comes by just waiting. You might have to take chances. In order to get what you have never had, you need to do what you have never done", said Bo and smiled.

At this moment, Kaitlin was surprised and saw a daffodil right infront of her, standing like a cornerstone of an unimaginable structure. Her eyes just widened. She took few steps back and uttered in total disbelief, "What are you? Do not come near me!!"

Bo was anticipating this response, for this was the same way everyone had responded. He knew what was going on in her mind. He said, "Please calm down. I am not one to hurt you. I know I can help you and trust me, you will be happy. You just have to have hope and never let the faith die."

Many things were now going on in her mind. She thought "This has been the most disastrous day., I have had so much to deal with. Now I am standing in front of a talking daffodil. Where is this taking me to? What path am I treading upon?"

But she knew a secret. "Sometimes, it is better to share sorrows, grief, pain, sadness with strangers than near ones. Atleast this erases an insecure thought as to what the other person might think about you. She decided to talk to Bo.

"I am not sure if I should really be telling you what I am going through, However, considering I dont know you, and probably we might never meet again, i will let you know.."

Bo smiled. For he knew, he was in the right direction and he was confident about solving a simple problem which appeared to be bigger than what it actually was.

"Off late, i have lost interest in life. I have lost its meaning. I have been defeated. I have experienced failure in everything I do. Those close to me never realised how honest I was. They did not even care to ask me what I was going through..."

Instead of interrupting her, Bo said "Go on.. Finish what you really want to talk about. I am listening."

"I was happy. I was confident. I had a faith in me that i would get wat I want in life, and have all the things I have always wished to have. Until disaster struck. Not once, not twice, not thrice, every time. "

"What makes you think you do not deserve what you have at the moment?"

"I dont know if I am really worth going through all these things. Why do you think i should go through these things? What wrong have I done?"

Bo replied "Do you really want to know? Are you ready to listen and understand what I am going to tel you now?"

"If that is going to help me get out of the situations I am in, I am more than ready for it."

Bo knew that this was the time for him to manifest this excellence and display his extraordinary capability to approach and resolve.

He said "You have every right to go and share with everyone what i am going to tel you. Just ensure that you have grasped what I am going to tell you."

To be continued..

Kaitlin: Her quest for happiness(Part 1)

Everyone of us, atleast once in our lifetime so far, would have come across this feeling. How difficult is it for us to have this feeling? I am very much sure about what I have said. You would have thought as to why dont I get what I have asked for? Why? Did i do something wrong? Did I really deserve it? Was there something I missed out on? Did I ask something that required more efforts than What I had asked for? Why am I not getting What I want and the things that I have worked hardly, whole heartedly? Why? Why me? Of all, Why does this happen to me?

Well my friend. what I am going to tell you now, is a story of a girl named Kaitlin. Nice name huh? She was as nice as her name is. This story helped me out in many ways and I guess, it will be the same for you as well.


Beyond the world of anxiety, tensions, insecurities, in the world ot tranquility and serenity, lived a girl named Kaitlin. She was pretty. She was intelligent. She was quick witted. She was in the good books of everyone around her. Her neighbours loved her as a person, her parents were proud of her. She was the charm in her world. Untill one day..

She was sitting by the daffodils and the lids of her vision gave way for the saline water. She could not stop crying.. She wept, wept, wept and wept. she asked the same questions.. Why ..... Nonetheless, there was no angel that came to her rescue. No alladin's lamp for a genie to pop out and fulfill her wishes. No storms or heavy rains as a response to her grief from the mother nature. Nothing supernatual happened.


Among the thousands of daffodils, there was this one lovely, beautiful daffodil (His name was BO) who noticed Kaitlin. In the world of Daffodils, Bo was the king and had so many princess droooling over him. He knew how to tackle the worldy problems. Bo had seen many people walk past the field, some laughing, some showing their anger, some crying.. But Bo had never seen anyone as hurted as Kaitlin was.

Bo knew one thing. He could solve kaitlin's problem. Just like he had solved every problem of the daffodils in his world and of those who walked past the field. Bo, his very name brings a sense of hapy feeling in anyone. If there was any problem, first thing that any one would think is Bo. He had the ability, that quest, that thirst, a honest thought, of making the world worry free. Every effort he made, he succeeded. Everyone wondered as to how he could do that. Failure was something he had never seen. And it was few years that he had seen failure.

Whenever Bo used to see someone cry, he used to remember those days when he was in the same position. He once wept too. He once had failures too. It was his fate that gave him his destiny that was so different from others. Unlike others, he learnt from his mistakes and took control of his future. We all know that future is not written on stone. He knew that. Except for the fact that he started sculpting his future on a stone he desired the most. He called that stone as his Life.

Yet again. Bo decided to help. To let another person come out of the clutches of grief sorrow and pain. He did what he was best at. He decided to talk to Kaitlin...

To be continued..

State of mind

I dont know if I would be able to write the real state of my mind., For all these days I have been thinking that I must write what i feel to write about. This time, it is different, I want to write what I am wanting to write. The state of my mind. But however, I find there is a complete charismatic feeling when a person tends to explain what is going on in his/her mind.

To begin with, many things have pre-occupied. Some tending to cause an eternal battle within me, some tending to cause a sense of reliability and dependance, while others tend to cause a void in me. Some thoughts pull me back into my past, while others bring me back to reality. Like the rope in tug of war, I am being swung either ways every now and then.

Like a typical piscean, I guess, I was finding solace in my dream world. Finding joy in my own little accomplishments, happiness and fun. I have always wanted to know things and understand them. But not until late when i started in believing, Their was drastic change in things around me, I realised. Do not believe in beilieving. I adopted and adapted myself to new approach. I began to know and knowing is totally different dimension. It starts from doubt, the moment you believe in something, you have stopped inquiring, belief is the most poisonous thing to destroy human intelligence! And now i am back to where I belong and found happiness in the most strangest ways I could possible think of.

At times my mind complained I was alone. But I realised that being alone I was spending time with myself and did not require world to play a part in it. When I began to feel lonely, I found joy in the way things are. The roses bloom so beautifully because they are not trying to become lotuses. And the lotuses bloom so beautifully because they have not heard the legends about other flowers. Everything in nature goes so beautifully in accord, because nobody is trying to compete with anybody, nobody is trying to become anybody else. Everything is the way it is. This thought and the observation has now made me a much better person than I used to be.

As I have always told, so will I this time too. "Just be yourself and remember you cannot be anything else, whatsoever you do, All effort is futile. "

Fun

The subject of Fun is one of the most serious topics we can discuss. One of the greatest achievements of my lifetime has been the maintenance of the capacity for fun from early childhood. Another has been coming to an understanding of what Fun is. And so, Fun is the cornerstone of my life, and the foundation of everything I do.


I know that I am sometimes perceived as a serious dude, talking about Principles and other not-so-fun topics, but when you know what Fun is, then you will see why even serious, or thought inducing, weighty matters can be Fun. I want to talk about this subject because it is vital to making progress as a person.. In fact, you cannot MAKE any progress as a guitarist, unless you know how to have Fun. We "play" the guitar. You cannot "play" if you don't know how to have fun. It's true that "practice" sometimes seems like "work", but you will see that work is not the opposite of play, or the opposite of fun. Work can, and should, be Fun.


Now, Fun is a funny thing. For some people, going out dancing and drinking all night is fun. For others, that would be torture, but sitting quietly and reading a book on philosophy is Fun. For some people, jamming on the electric guitar for hours is fun, for others, sitting with a metronome for an hour of disciplined practice is Fun (and yes, the same person may find each of these things to be Fun at different times). For some people, having to solve difficult problems requiring great thought is Fun, and for another, it is nothing but a headache. So, what is going on here?


The fact is that anything can be Fun for some person or the other. However, the particular things that we find to be Fun say everything about who we are as people, and what our level of personal development is. However, there is one common denominator that is always present when a person says "this is fun". That common denominator is "creative enjoyment". Fun is creative enjoyment. Einstein working out the theory of relativity, or Michael Jordan shooting a basket; both are having Fun. Both are "creatively enjoying". As long as this quality is present, ANYTHING can be fun. Without this quality, NOTHING is fun.


What is "creative enjoyment"? Well, "creative" is almost self-explanatory. It is basically bringing something new into the world. It could be a dinner, an idea, a blanket, a building, whatever. Whatever is being created, it involves bringing something "out" of yourself, and giving it some kind of form on the outside. How you are going to have fun in you being creative is upto the individuality of ther person.


For me FUN never ceases to exist. Its an everlastingly ongoing process.

A thousand verses

My dry tears speak
A thousand verses
With meaning so deep
That you can’t read

The tale of a longing heart
The tale of a nonviolent war
The tale of a haunting past
The tale of a tormenting present
The tale of a hopeful future

The tale engraved
In the wall of my heart
With my blood and breath
The heart just weeps
As the blood seeps

And my dry tears speak
A thousand verses
With meaning so deep
That you can’t read

Silent whispers

Silent whispers of the serene beach
Surging waves gripped my feet
Buried it in a layer of sand
Drilling deep crossing the barrier of time
I was lost in an enthralling miasma
An unexpected call from the dormant past
A blended recipe of the sweet and sour
The sand ebbed away leaving some granules
Depicting the eternal sweet reminiscence
Flashing the future in those distant waves
Though gigantic, some holding false promises
Some elfin waves rose reaching the shore
Wobbly like the future in store
The footprints made on the seashore
Are the imprints made in life
Those silent whispers echoed again and again
Teaching me the lessons of life.....

Love vs Infatuation

What, then, is the elusive thing called "Love" that everyone so desperately needs? Sometimes, we sort of like this girl because she is beautiful? Or the girl likes him because he is handsome? But this kind of "Cinderella Syndrome" when the girl is waiting on her Prince Charming, is not real love. It is better known as ""Infatuation", and there is a vast difference between it and real love. I thought about it a lot, and have somehow managed few smal things, which might give u results in a big manner. Find out if you are really in love and not just infatuated.

Infatuation

Infatuation is a feeling; real love involves a commitment also. Infatuation is just love of emotion. Real love though, is love of devotion. Only the emotions are affected in infatuation, but in real love both the Emotions and the Will are involved.

Next, a person "fall into" infatuation, but "grows into" real love. Gentlemen, have you ever seen a girl who was so beautiful that you thought you'd faint? This is infatuation. It is based totally on physical attraction; Often you don't know much in-depth about the person you so-called love. Thus infatuation is mostly biological.

Also remember, never tell a woman you love her, unless you are willing to marry her. Then, infatuation is basically selfish where real love is basically selfless. Infatuation is more interested in satisfying yourself and your "feelings" than it is in the other person.

Real love is primarily interested in the other person. It seeks to give instead of get. Love unselfishly seeks the highest good for the other person.

Lastly, infatuation is weakened by time and separation where real love is strengthened by time and separation. This does not mean that there will be no pain in separation. On the contrary, there is great pain in separation if you are truly in love.


Love
Now you understand what is infatuation, let us now go on to discuss about Love.
1. Love is Patient: The word translated "patient" means to wait patiently for the fulfillment of expectations. When you have difficulty dating this girl and she does not want to come out of her shell, if you truly love her, you will not complain and blame her, you must look at the situation from her point of view – maybe she is having some problems which prevented her from coming out. You must react to it with patience and understanding.

Have you ever met someone you liked so much that you wanted to push the relationship and make it progress faster? Sure you have! Love, however, Love is willing to give the relationship time to grow at a natural pace. It does not push but is willing to wait for the relationship to grow at a rate that is satisfactory to both parties.

2. Love is Kind: Love seeks to encourage and build up on others. It respects the feelings and emotions of others. It finds its greatest satisfaction in making others happy, i.e. Compliment one another, magnify the other's strength, Listen to one another. Pay close attention to what each of you has to say and make each other feel that what each says is important, etc.
3. Love is not Jealous: Jealousy usually indicates an insecure and immature heart. Love wants the best for others, but jealousy is possessive. Jealous is reflected in the childish statement, "If he is going to talk to her, then he can just forget about me!" Often, one person wants to totally possess the other and to restrict her relationships with others.

4. Love is not to Brag: Love is not a windbag and is not anxious to impress. Often, a guy will brag to a girl, trying to impress her so that she will like him. A truly great person, however, does not need to exalt himself. Others will exalt him.

5. Love is not Arrogant: Love is not conceited, boastful, cocky or stuck up. Love, instead, is humble and has a servant attitude . Sometimes, a guy may come across to a girl with an "I can take you or leave you" attitude. His demeanor implies, "You ought to be thankful that somebody as neat as me is dating you". Of course this is not love.

6. Love always Covers: This word cover means to pass over in silence, to keep confidential. Love is patient with faults of others. It doesn't criticize or broadcast to the world the faults of others. Love is present even when it knows the other is not perfect.
7. Love always Perseveres: Love always stands its ground and holds out . It will outlast anything. It will even love on the face of unreturned love. Real love will last through all sorts of trials, tribulations and stresses.

8. Love is not Provoked: This means that love has a long fuse. It does not become irritated and angry. It is not easily offended. Love does not seek its own. This is the heart of love. Love is other-centered not self-centered. Love says, "I love you, I want to give you." Selfishness says, "I love you, I want you!"

9. Love does not act Unbecomingly: This means that love does not behave disgracefully, dishonorably, or indecently. It does not embarrass others by its actions. It is characterized by tact and sensitivity. This also means that love should have good manners. Be sure to do little things like opening doors for your girl or offering her your arm when you walk together.

10. Love is Forgiving: Lastly, this is a MUST for a successful love story. If a guy is not willing to forgive and forget when his girlfriend is only an hour late, he is not exhibiting love. Love doesn't hold grudges when it has been wronged. It doesn't remain resentful.

Another Poem

With hair like silk
And lips so tender,
Each moment with you
Makes my heart surrender

I couldn't live, I couldn't breathe
Without you by my side,
Never will I let you go,
My love will never hide

And in my heart you'll always be
From now until forever,
No matter what, no matter where
I wish we could have always been together

True Love: Its very ambiguous

I have always wondered about what a true love is. is it in giving more reaher then expecting to recieve? Is it more about sacrificing the dreams, desire, ambition, wishes? or is it a resonance of physical attraction or that of the bonding between two souls? I was and am still wondering about it.

Sometimes I feel that true love is mere a mirage and it never really exists. Sometimes I really feel that may be, there never existed a concept of true love. The phrase itself is strange. for it has pain, sufferings, vulnerabilities, depression, every negative emotion associated with it. And these emotions come into play only when the true love fails. But.. is it the love that is failing or is it the effort or is it the person? Which one?

For me, true love is a soul's recognition of its counterpart in another. And once that happens, I guess, there is no turning back. For once that happens, a relation begins, which would be parasitic of every other relation. This takes priority and everything just ceases to exist. You tend to be with your counterpart, and all that had happened when he/she was there, all those things, those memories, all that fun, all those people, everyone, everything, takes a secondary priority in life.

Now, one thing i do not understand here is the fact that true love plays in one's life. There is no doubt about the fact that it is a boon to the person. But on the contrary, it is a curse for those associated in the person's life. My intention here is not to let you all conclude that true love is bad. It is required for it makes feel that a person is secure. In the kind of world that we all live now, feeling secure is the most important thing. It can make us go places, if and only iff the person who makes you feel you are secure is with you. Now thats expecting a lot from that person.

The only thought that was going in my mind while i wrote this very post is the fact that i have gone through wat is written above. And I have decided, that this just aint right. I dont think that anyone would need an education to be in love. As one of my friend said, its a matter of feelings. The word I have just begun to hate.

For me, true love happens only once in life. Whatever happens next, is just a compromising phenomenon between two bodies to live the rest of the life together hoping to be happy and secure and eventually die.

Anger

Why? How? When? Where? What? If these things are asked to oneself before reacting to the situation, I guess, it would be easier to conquer anger. But thas the not the way all think, Thats not the way all work, and live and behave, I set out, do be different, and have no regrets for beig like this. Moreover, life has go more to it than mere anger.

Coming back to the five questions. I ask Why should i get angry, will it be good, will it make things worse or better, and i guage the situation accordingly. How did this situation arise? By thinking this way, it makes me analyze the reasons, the causes for the situation thats making me angry, I always have a 5 point approach to control any kind of anger. I just ask myself five questions. I will have answers, and by the time I think of these things and am trying to analyze, my anger would have vanished. But, this is not the way it sounds like. Lot of effort and pain should be withstood in this case.

Anger.. What does this mean? Why does a person react with so much of hateredness? I have been trying to understand this part of human emoiton. I do agree that with-holding the anger in one's heart gives birth to hate and when ignored, this hate can never be put off. But, on the contrary, the way i think, if we just leave the situation aside and let bygones be bygones.

But sometimes, when the anger is out of control and you know that you cant control it and vent it out, you tend to say things, which are definite to hurt the other person. May be thats the reason that I never get angry and shout or yell or beat the other person. Sometimes, when you are angry, you would say "Who are you to do it?" or may be "Why the hell do you do this?" or even worse "You dont even care for me' or anything else.

These are very hurting statements, especially if you are on the other side. Be it a gal or a guy, its the same emotion. I mean, imagine this. You have always been taking care of a person, did everything that you could possibly do, to ensure that the other person is happy. But one moment, one situation, which leads the person into anger, makes them say either of the above sentences. Its as though the whole world came crashing down on you and u are literally shattered. Not into one, or two or tens of thousands, but to innumerable pieces. Its so hard to recover from that. Moreover. the words once spoken and are out from the mouth, can never be taken back and the damage that is caused by saying things can never be renovated.

One thing is for sure. Anger ruins relations. It is like a virus that slowly infects an immune system. An infection that would lead into a dreadly disease.. A pain, that can nevre be relieved from. A cause of barrier in the flow of thought. And every possible negative emotion or attitude that you can possibly imagine of.

When I think of these things, only one thing comes in my mind. Let bygones be bygones. I carry on with life, for the moments of pleasure have passed and yet another journey begins.

Relations: Trivial approach

Everytime there is an interaction which would nurture further interactions, I guess, a birth of a relation takes place. Be it any kind. But one begins to exist. And this would eventually superseed every other possibilities or cease to exist itself. Its all a matter how how it is handled in the initial stages so that, this new ineraction (or rather say, relation) sustains itself.

I aint writing this blog to be very philosophical or even the least, appear to be one, Its just that I am sharing what I have learnt from my past relations. Hoping that may be, this blog would reach out to many out there who would have undergone similar circumstances.

Some relations are a mere Hi-Bye kind. Some are beyond the resonance of two souls. I always wonder how that happens. I do agree that a Homo Sapien is a social animal. Do we have a doubt? I mean, being called as social animal in no way means to be able to attend various night outs, parties, weddings, funerals. No. They are just venues of different kind of interactions.

Relation according to various dictionaries mean an existing connection; a significant association between or among things. I am wondering as to how this connection takes place, and on what basis does this take place.

Interesting isnt it? Very much intriguing as well. For a youngster, a relation is all that he can think of being with a gal. For a working person, its about how he deals with his colleagues on a day to day basis. For a married individual ( I wonder why people marry, I guess, I should be writing a post on it.. lol) its all about how he/she can handle things at home. I mean, are there any better ways of expressing things in a so called relation?

This is the main reason for me to write on something that is so f***ing trivial. Things have been good enough, for they were made to be in such a way. Every interaction I ever had with anyone, be it guy/gay/otherwise, the only thing that was consistent in my mind was to keep the other person happy.I mean to say, If you dont tend to keep the other person happy, do you think he/she would inturn want to see you happy?

This is where I think, I can come to a virtual conclusion. A conclusion which would lead to a new beginning. Essence of any relation is a necessary hope of an individual to be wanted, noticed, to have enough attention, to be happy. Its like interdependance. Like a plover bird depends on crocodile for its food. Strange but true, This is the very reason a human is called as a Social Animal.

Justice Undone

I guess, I might appear very sarcastic and yet at times very emotional. May be I might not sound fair to my past, May be all of you wil think that I am being too harsh on What i have gone through.,

As a person, as a normal person, I have given life the best I could give it. And in return it gave me worst. At times, it did give me a glimmer of hope. Every difficulty that a person faces, be it of any kind, gives rise to hope. And this hope comes with a string attached to it. Every hope leads to a dream, which now depends on the individuality of a person to either fulfill it, or to forfeit it.

I guess, even i have come across these situations. Some which just shook me off my feet and the ground just tore apart. Some just made the entire sky fall down crashing on me, Some even threw nuclear bombs at me. me aint a Superman to fly, or a spider man to escape. I am just a normal human being. And hence, i did what I could. Just wait. Waited patiently, for time to calm the things down. I did give priority for things that needed my primary attention. I know that every one would have done the same. I aint a saddist or a psychopast to cut my veins or burn my wrists for the pain and suffering that I have gone through. Its a trait of a coward to do so,

There have been times when I have asked the one that stays in the clouds, to let me have my share of happiness. I mean, at some point of time, even the most selfless person tends to be selfish. Especially during the testing times of his/her life. And I guess, I am a human too. I asked for the same. That is when i was made to realise that I have enuf frens to clear the burden down.

But somewhere, along the road of my life, there were few stones that were left unturned. These are my primary focus for the rest of the journey ahead. I mean, every situation that brings in difficulties, also teaches some lessons to learn, And I have learnt them. So what If I dint not get the peace of mind at home, so what if i dint find true love, so what if my work life is not letting me have pancakes and is giving me peanuts? So What? There is this tremendous patience in me, which I count on, all the time. I can wait. I can surely wait. For someday, Justice will be done and the weight will be same on both the sides. Until then, until than time wherein there would be a silver lining for the dark clouds hovering over my life now will happen, Until then, it is Justice Undone.

Long waited....

Don't let me stare into those eyez,
I might get lost b4 I realize,
There's so much to talk
But we never even sit, worse still never even walk,
We should go to a place that isn't so loud,
May be we should ride a cloud,
Melt our thoughts, fall down like snowflake,
This life i know we both hate,
Who else is there for me to talk to,
When you are with me, tell me who's there to stop you



I guess, the poetic part of my life was quite untouched and I think its time to get back to where I belong and the place where I can give my best. This one is dedicated to the one whom I love so much. I guess, its just not enough. Someday I guess the weight would be equal on both the sides.

Expectations: Great deal of Gamble

"Why do you expect so much from your friends? Dont you think that this will just ruin your relation with one and all? I hope you have foreseen what expecting a lot from others can bring you. For everything there is a limit, and I believe that this is for expecting from others as well."

Dont you ponder much over it. This aint a dialogue from a movie or a famous quote from a novel. This is what I have been seeing happening to various people in real life, and so many strings are attached to this, its merely impossible to cut this one out. Many have tried it, many have faced it, many have been trying to over come it. Some have over come it, and some have given up hopes of overcoming it. Question remains the same. Why would someone expect so much?

I have spent a lot of time thinking about this. A lot of time has been spent in analysing the causes that leed to such a situation in anyone's life. Why take anyone else's life, take my own. I tried to think of various such incidents due to which I have lost gem of friends from my life. Some of them who can never return. I thought I was not touched by the curse of expecting a lot. But now, it seems to have returned. I am losing one such friend again.

Usually, for anyone, to expect a lot from someone, atleast one of the following should (or rather say, might) play a role;
1. The preson is the one whom he/she loves a lot. This would lead to expecting the other person to always be there. A lot of expectations build up. If the other person fails to live upto the mark, tendencies for the relation to break are much easier.
2. A very good friend whom you count a lot on. This would also result in circumstances as mentioned above.,
3. High career hopes, true value for the amount of work you do, a reward for being honest, or for delivering results as and when required and various other reasons which when listed, thousands of blogs would not be enough. I am sure you would agree with this.

In general, its the necessary hope that one has, that he or she needs to be wanted, the way they want to be wanted. If this were to happen everytime, there would be no concept of expecting. If there were no concept of expecting, there would be no struggle for giving out the best. As I said earlier, This comes up with lot many strings attached, it has become very intertwined.

Time has finally arrived. I have analysed various possible causes. Its good to be wanted, but its worse to be wanted that all the time. I guess, its better to maintain a low profile in expecting, rather than getting disappointed by expecting a lot.
"Satisfy the person who expects from you rather than surprising the person who never expected anything from you."

Monstrous Mondays

Since my college life, I have always wondered as to what is Monday all about and why do all working homo sapiens get so much stressed about it. I have always wanted to experience such a thing. i was always curious to know as to what is the stressing factor and what makes people feel that monday is the most worst day of the week.

It been 2 years now. Two years of my working life. I think I very much know the meaning of a monstrous monday.

What began as a roller coster ride of work life, has suddenly turned into a very gruelling and tiresome journey.

Monday. Everyone hates it. It represents a very hectic day. All the fun filled activities done on weekend get forgotten and people are busy again. I think its the fact that work just gets piled up on weekends and we dont realise ntil it hits us back on monday.

Take for example a monday like today. No productive work done, no fun, no motivation. But just a consolation feeling that it is a part of this week and this month and would eventually pass by as a memory. I have seen so many colleagues slogging their ass out, and for them, time is just flying, I have moved into a new role, and have no clue how to spend the day.

I am hoping that mondays would again be as hectic as they used to be. But the essence would remain the same. I hate mondays!!!!!

15 September 2007

Today began in a very unique way. Got up at a unique time. Thanks to loud and annoying music which was being played due to the festival.

Festival, i wonder who invented them, strange recreation time for every soul. Strange myths, strange rituals, strange clothes, every thing strange. I am glad that i do not believe in god. I dont have to be part of these mind bogging stuff.

I choose to meet a fren of mine, accompanied with another common fren. Though we had planned to meet at 2pm, i reached the place at 1pm. I just wanted to get rid of the place where there was too much of noise.

I went to Coffee Day. It was very much deserted at 1pm. I was not surprised. I mean, who would come to a coffee day on saturday afternoon at 1pm? The people were kinda shocked to see me there, may be they were not expecting anyone at that time. I was craving for something really motivating and something that would set a kinda tone and rythm for the day ahead. I was kinda hard to figure out what i needed and as I was already craving for something strong, I chose Irish coffee.. It tasted different this time. Along with my pack of cigs, and the cup of coffee, I spent an hour on cal with my fren..

And finally when the ladies arrived, as always, they can never be punctual (a personality trait from the planet Venus!!!). They came at 1430. We had chosen Sigma Mall, Cunningham road to spend time. It was kinda nice place, I guess, no one is aware of the mall, unlike the Forum or the Garuda mall.

To be what i always am is normal. But to pretend who I am not, is very difficult thing to do. Especially, when the one you loved is sitting across the table and you just cannot take your eyes off her. I know what I was going through. I chose not to vent my emotions out, for they had no value anymore. It is at this time I realised a new facet to my personality. I had the ability to resent my own emotions. I could have told my own feelings, But i hate that word. Feeling. What a stupid word that is, I just hate it.

We were there for a long time, for the place was calm, serene and good. No crowd, no worries. We spoke about so many things, starting from career, office, personal life, future plans, clothes, movies, and than the gal took out a bunch of papers, stapled together. That was a photo copy of few pages from the book Love signs from Linda Goodman. I was the scapegoat at that moment. They started reading about Piscean Man.

This just set the rythm for future conversations and jigsaw puzzle just started to fall in place. I was wondering as to how can someone analyse and write about the personality traits of various zodiac signs. It was whopping 99.99% true. Now that surprised me. We had a lot of arguements, debate was going on. I t was literal fun.

So many things happened and the final moment came when i had to say good bye, the difficult one. But, we had a life to live on, and things just pass on. Day ended on a fine note, but evening was there to be taken care off. I have somehow managed to do that. Hoping that week ahead would be a great one.

Cockroaches - They are everywhere!!!

Cockroaches, what a creature they are. Every time, I think about them, I begin to realise the need for their very survival over thousand's of years.

Be it homes, offices, or anywhere else. They are literally everywhere. They have a very unique body. I am not sure who it was, but whoever it was, has placed their name under the right taxonomy. They have a very unique way of survival and very shrewd nature. Very shy, very cowardish and funny nature.

I have seen them so many times, that I have begun to feel that I am living among cockroaches. When I say "I have begun to see them everywhere", I mean that people who exhibit the nature of a cockroach.

Its amazing thing as to the way a human adopts the thinking of an animal. Some attain the courage of an eagle, some attain the patience of a tortaise, some attain the hard working nature of an ant, while some attain the laziness of a snail!! But why a cockroach? There are much better animals wherein a human can learn from and apply the same in their daily lives.

I have been thinking a lot about it over the past week. I have come to a conclusion. Even a human has a feeling to survive under extreme conditions, (not high temperature, or under severe snow fall, neither in deserts nor in rains). These conditions pertain to life. Overcome situations that need them to survive difficult n down times. be it financial insecuritites, career growth, personal life, social status, you name it and it is.

I have been working in IBM for last 20 months, and I have seen enough number of cockroaches at work. Some are being like a cockroach for a pay hike, some forincentives, some for promotions, some for even better reasons.. These come in different sizes and shapes. Some are tall, some short, some dark, some fair. Some try not to let you know they are hypocrites, some just make you know they are. They cannot withstand someone else's success, for they are jealous of it. Some cockroaches,like those who want to take others' happiness and try to feel great about it. Some are female, some male.. Wats surprising is the matter of fact that some are neither of these.

Rains.. Boon or Curse?

Nature.. All these days, it was giving fruits(rather say fulfilling wishes) in a very optimal way.. But off late, I think, Mother Nature has decided to show its wrath upon us.. in a very systematic and a very ruthless way..
What can be answered as miracle or prayers for the farmers, or may be those who have been experiencing sand dunes go haywire, i guess, it will not be taken in the same way by those who live in the concrete forests..


Look at the facts that Mother Nature has been letting us to deal with. Began with the great and consistent volcanoes in Hawaii islands.. Than came the disastrous Tsunami, which just made a mark or fear in every heart that lives in the costal region. Fear, wow, what a word. I guess, it is because of the very fact of a wish to live forever.
Than came the rains, with pains.. Back in biblical days(if at you know what I am talking about), God showed his wrath upon mankind for sins they had been doing and chose Noah as his man to protect few, who were righteous. But who would be that Noah in this modern world? Not me. People in cheerapunji are used to have a life in rain. But was mumbai used to it? No. Mumbai paid the price for it, and gave in to the wrath of nature. Same thing was expected to occur again. But this time, not sure where it was going to hit.


Garden city, IT city, Silicon Valley, City of excellent night life, on and on and on and on..... Hold on. These aint names / phrases from a novel or some boring auto bipgraphies. These are so called synonyms of Bangalore. I guess the next list to show some fury by Mother Nature. Every bangalorean experienced it.


The day was 13th September 2007. viz 13/09/2007.. I wsa having a very nice chat with a very good fren of mine and I happened to understand her..(achievement.. a guy finally understood a gal!!!!!) and I told her that it wil rain tonight.. Oh boy, it did.. We began seeing cats n dogs falling from the sky. Later, I guess, elephants up there decided to fall down as well. Was it a boon or a curse? wel,, Its upto your discretion to figure that out. This has been the unique nature of a Homo Sapien. If u get something, you crib, You get more of it, you crib. If you dont get what you want, you crib. Crib, Crib and Crib. If it does not rain, crib. If it rains crib. If days n nights are very hot, crib, if days n nights are cool, crib. Its just the mindset to crib.
Bangalore experienced water clogging every where. Be it highways, be it streets, be it houses, or shops. Walls collapsed, land slided. Rain just cripplied bangalore over the night. It was literally night mare for everyone. Sitting on the backseat of vehicle on my way back home, I notieced an expression of dissapoint on every one's face.


Those who wanted to get wet, get drenched in rain, went ahead. Dogs were swimming and people were gathered under various forms of shelter. What usualy takes 30 mins journey, took an astounding 3 hours, in order to reach home from work.
There is one thing that made bangaloreans realise. Bangalore may have so much of money, so much of talent, but it is definitely not prepared for nature's ruthless calamities.. It definitely is not.

Beginning of the End

Time.. Never could be, never is, and never will be stoppped. Its like sand in one's fist. The more you try to hold it, the more it tries to slip away. If you stop to worry about it being in your hand, it slips anyways. Strange it is though, yet we live. Though changes are inevitable, they still occur. Changes are those moments in the lifetime of TIME..

I was once walking past a garden. It was so colourful, so beautiful,, There were so many trees, shrubs and herbs too.. There was a fountain. A fountain of growth. There were various kind of animals. Some tall, some short. Some thin, some broad. Some used to grumble, some used to be happy in what they got. It were as though the garden was more of a Jungle. Very beautiful from outside, but once you got in, it was never ending.

Sometimes you could hear birds chirping, sometimes you could see butterflies flying and at times, you would see some vultures grumbling on all these happiness. In such a place, some people like me, got tempted and stepped in. They figured out the rules and were trying to know various rituals in the same place. These people adopted the environment. After spending enough time, they started adapting to the environment.. Lets say, it took few months for them to get used to it.

While these few months passed, something was changing.. Though it was noticed but not stressed upon, something was changing..

All those creatures, those animals, those butterflies, that charm in the garden started to reduce. I guess, this was happening because the gardener did not pay enough attention. Far beyond this garden, another gardener and various other gardeners, were sowing seeds for a good harvest. These animals in the garden realised that there were other gardeners who could take care of them in a much better way. And slowly, one by one, they started moving out.

This trend continued for some more months. Those beautiful huge trees, which were bearing so many fruits, started to fade away. Those beautiful shrubs started to shrink. It was as though a curse fell upon the place. The trees that were giving shelter, soon were turning into Oak trees. The shrubs, started to wear out and slowly thorns, dry thorns came into picture. There was greenery, but it was customized only to certain sections of the garden.

As i said, some animals and other creatures in the garden moved out, the people who came in stayed back. They had only one intention. Irrespect to what happens in the garden, they were there to fulfill their purpose. Their very reason to exist. Because, the reason was a value that they could add for all the time they spent in the garden(unfortunately, it no longer was..) They united, though they already were, teir thought somehow had not resonated over a certain period of time. But as you know, whenever there occurs or certain period comes, which might question survival, like minded people unite. Sometimes, even those who are not of the same thinking unite too. Same thing happened here as well. All these people united to fight back, they had a cause. I say, they HAD a cause.

Various things were done. I guess, the world is in such a situation, that honesty never gets its true value. No matter how honest you are, how true you are to yourself, sometimes, rather say most of the times, it is not enough. I am of the kind that believes in giving honesty its very value at every step. Because, at the end of the day, when I look at myself, I should respect myself. So will others. And so were others in the garden who came along with me.

Al these people never changed. Many a turbulent situations came along. Many disturbing moments. Many frustrating situations. But they never deterred. As a matter of fact, they became stronger.

Wait a minute. I guess this began as the story about the garden, But its slowly telling us about the people who survived various tormenting situations. Was this the same garden which once tempted people to get in and be happy in it? Was it the same place that once saw various animals, birds, butterflies, a fountain of growth? Was this the same place which gave shelter and had a good gardener? Why did the garden change so much in such short time? Why did those few people never change and became stronger and are being respected so much?

Well, I guess the answer lies in TIME and the CHANGES it brought in. Only time can tell us what happens to the garden for the changes it is bringing in are vast, abrupt, disastrous. Most importantly, It is bringing in the best out of those few people. This is making them realise of what they are really capable of. Time will only unfold itself. All I can think of, as of now is, WAIT. Just wait. Wait to see the end as we have seen the BEGINNING OF THE END of a wonderful garden.....

Tryst with destiny

There is this feeling in every human to know hw is the person whom ur love has fallen in love with. And i guess, its the same with me as well and that was the sole reason for me to talk to him and know him more and learn about the happening things in a much better way and thus help myself to get back to normal, as soon as possible. Hence, I decided to talk to him. I guess this blog is just to let u know that I did something very unsual unlike others. I wonder who would have spokent o a guy whom a gal loves - the gal whom u have been in love for 4+ years, and count still incrementing.. It was very unusual of me to do so. I was surprised by myself that I am set out to do such a thing. But there were two things that i achieved by doing so. Firstly, he was happy bout me. Secondly, she was happy about me. She is so lucky.. so lucky to have somone in her life who loves her so much.. and the best thing is that, even she loves him very much.
he loves her very much and is ready to go to any extent just to keep her happy. I am happy and glad that there is someone, who loves her more than what i do. he is the one that shyni wants to be with. Guess what, she giggles.. blushes.. yet does not accept it.. I know it might sound a bit strange, but i guess u got to knw this, I spoke to him, just to clarify his doubts.. just to ensure that there would be no more problems among the two of them, He used to feel that he interfered and had hurt me and al that senti thing.. but i cleared it al.. he now feels that I am serious, strong at heart and am funny. Now I am happy that both of them need not worry abt me. She should not worry that she is not giving me enuf attention or importance that i need and make him feel that she is doing it so. and he should not feel that I am the one who is making her delay in responing to him. Glad tht i hv rectified such possible things.
I may appear artificial at this moment for this is not what either of them expected me to do. May be either one of them would feel that I am trying to be hypocratic. But I definitly dont think so. I just wanted to know how much the person loves her.. How much, to what extent.. I guess, possibly, may be, hopefully, if nothing goeswrong, he is the person she would b happy with. Not that I dont want her to be with him. Its just that I dont know him yet. You never know.. I have been wrong most of the times. I guess this might just be another one.
Sometimes, when you truly love a person, to an extent that you can give up ur happiness for that person's happiness, its kinda very hard to let that person not be happy. I guess its the same with me as well. And I am getting used to this. Every passing second, minute or hour, day week or month, I will learn it to be done in a better way. I may mask the feeling of missing her in a much efficient way, compared to what I am doing now.

those dreams i dreamt of, those walks those talks, those arguements, those laughs, those cries, those moments of discussing abt the candle light dinner(which i now dnt see happening), those happy moments, those irritating n angry moments when u used to disconnect calls, those lenghty messages i used to send and ur simple "hm" replies, those moments with ur frens (whom i would probably interact on a very rare occassion), al those moments which i probably hv forgotten to mention it in here, will be missed, but treasured with utmost value, price for which, i would pay anytime... not sure when. But i would.

Thus making me numb

Wel ,
im back. back with another blog.. though there are more to come..
this time, its even more sensual a thing which bogs ma mind even more than my earlier blog.
feeling, friends, forgiveness... and than forgetting.
i guess few of the virtues of life which are misunderstood by al more than a million times..
but why do we have to misunderstand them a million times? why? Let me see what i think of it..

Feelings - very confusing thing.. u knw a person long enuf n u dnt hv feelings for that person.. you get to know a person and in short time you have immense feelings for that person.. ambiguous isnt it? but i guess, thats hw most of the humanitarian relations and minds work on.. a very wel taped process.. i guess monkeys had this in them.. our unfortunate ancestors..

Friends - th best jewels that a person can have. many people hv written many definitions on friends.. infact, there has been a tv show on relation among friends.. I guess, friends are the ones who make a person feel hw important they are in this world.. Moreover, its friends whom we can count on, in times of happiness n sorrows. friends n feelings go hand in hand, except for the fact that some imbibe in us, some we cherish about, some we cant live without and some cant just be enough..

Misunderstanding among friends for feeeling towards other friends - Hmmmmmm... interesting!!!! This my friends, has always been the main point of conversation whenever there comes a feeling that makes u feel special and get used to.. One thing that i do not understand is the fact that FEELINGS play in a person's life. I may love a gal, my best fren for so many years, cause for which again is feelings. But she loves someone else, cause for which is her feelings to that person..

Is this feeling mere an interpersonal attraction or a completely different phenomenon.. Is this feeling an attraction due to physical needs of one's mental and wordly desires or is it much more than that.. Is this feelings based on a 'by chance' luck or is this related to that mental resonance among two souls..

If a feeling between two very good friends keeps them good friends forever, its the best.. If a feeling divides two very good friends due to lack of improper understanding, who should be held responsible... Friends or the feelings? Friend's feeling can be respected coz she loves another person..

Like someone truly said, "You are 100 times better than the guy I love, but its a matter of feelings. I dont have any feelings for you. You can be my best friend..."

To be honest, I am confused.. how can there be so much of ambiguity, so much hazy picture and mirage everywhere.. I am sure that each one of you who would read this blog, would have undergone this stage in life, atleast once.. If not once, may be more than once..

Afteral, even I am a human being with some amount of emotional quotient, which may be on par with others, is high.. But it does make a difference..

The difference, which again boils down to different feelings.. These feelings, does not make me feel anymore.. Thus making me numb.....

Just to let you know

hi..
by the time u hav read this blog, it wud hv been late enuf...
and by the time u wud hv digested this blog, it wud hv been even later..
something happened tonight, which i dnt knw hw to talk abt.. probably, i might break down while i talk abt it with you..
may be thats ther reason i chose to write a blog..
just to let u knw hw i am feeling at this moment.. on a cold night at 3am...


it al began almost 4+ years back, when i dint know wat it felt like to be in love...
probably, i never knew that a time like today would come..
i met her online, started chatting, than after a year or so, she made the first move n called me..
that time she was in udupi..
her name is shyni, as u already know.

from times to online chatting on yahoo messenger, to times of offline messages, than began mails.. and frendship grew.. at a very steady pace..
i started realsing that she could be the person whom i could spend rest of my life with..

i dont know why, from a guy who was very very very flirty, i started to change,, started to respect female species..
just because of the way she made me feel abt her..
i began to feel that she is my kind of a gal..

Than we started to talk, talk, talk, talk... and i began loving her.. not sure when.. how. why.. where... it just happened.. and when i realised i had been into it, way into it, that i could not pull out myself..

than, i decided not to tel her.. for there lies a fear f rejection in every human...

she is 4 years elder to me.. a divorced lady.. yet, there was something in her, that made me love her, honetly n purely..
and this never changed..

Just when i had decided not to tel her anything abt my love to her, it somehow slipped out of my mouth, and ended up telling her, n proposing her.. this was on 25th december, 2005... that fateful night.. for the fear of rejection, which i was already prepared for, turned into reality..

but, i guess, there is this never give up attitude in me, which makes me keep going, no matter what obstacles come.. probably, this was the reason, for me to let a complete stranger like her to come into my life and make it a better place to be in. she made me realise what smile was, wat love was... wat true friendship was.. wat true love is. wat real caring is..

things began shaping up.. i began trusting her, more than i trust myself.. began loving her, more than i love myself.. but i guess, unlike others, life had its own share of ups n down written.. for me..

many a times, she became upset of my irritating nature, my stuborn yet stupid attitude..at the same time, she respected me a lot.. wanted me to grow in my career, achieve lot of success.. never was a day when i dint speak to her.. irrespective of anything, i used to call her.. talk to her abt my entire day..

if i was happy, i told her i was happy..
if i was sad, i told her i was sad...
if i was angry, i told her i was angry..
if i was upset, i told her i was upset..
if i was irritated, i told her i was irritated..
if i was annoyed, i told her i was annoyed..
if i was pissed off, i told her i was pissed off..
But this had to change,,

no matter wat, i was me when i was with her.. i never lied to her.. never shouted at her, though at times i was

angry on her.. whenever i was possessive abt her, i talked abt it to her.. made her know hw much i love her.. hw much i miss her.. hw much i respect her, hw much i care for her.. infact, my sole reason to achieve wat I am today, is her..

but....

like someone truly said, "you cannot imprison someone in love, just because you love that person", it was just in the making.. every thought, every deed, every intention, every bits n pieces of my life for last 4+ years, is made of her..

until few days back. when she said that she wanted to talk to me abt something.. my worst nightmare was turning into reality and i was not prepared for it. she might hv given many a signs to let me know wat is abt to happen..

may be sea appears to be calm on the surface, but there lies a great torrent within..

few days passed as ages until she told me the hard fact, which i still have not digested.. she told me that she was in love.. she was, is, n will be, in love with a guy, not me.. i dnt knw hw it happened, when it happened..

but it happened..

I could feel the moments just slipping away.. it just passed... she let me know his name.. I was shattered.. and i dnt knw hw to react for that.. its just that, it never sinks in..

but, i guess, my happiness must lie in her happiness.. and may be thats the reason, i am stil awake at this hour,

to let my tears rolling out of my eyes, which are still filled with her beautiful smile, dry.. may be thats the reason, the pricking cold has no effect on my body..

for the first time in so many years, I pretended to be happy abt things that i really was not happy abt..

its said life teaches lessons, but as always, it teaches in the hardest way to forget abt.. finally when i am abt to end this blog, its just letting you knw that I am on my journey, to live with the everlasting moments of my life, with those moments i can always cherish abt..

Life goes on, and my honest prayers for happiness wil always b among my silent prayers..