Just to let you know

hi..
by the time u hav read this blog, it wud hv been late enuf...
and by the time u wud hv digested this blog, it wud hv been even later..
something happened tonight, which i dnt knw hw to talk abt.. probably, i might break down while i talk abt it with you..
may be thats ther reason i chose to write a blog..
just to let u knw hw i am feeling at this moment.. on a cold night at 3am...


it al began almost 4+ years back, when i dint know wat it felt like to be in love...
probably, i never knew that a time like today would come..
i met her online, started chatting, than after a year or so, she made the first move n called me..
that time she was in udupi..
her name is shyni, as u already know.

from times to online chatting on yahoo messenger, to times of offline messages, than began mails.. and frendship grew.. at a very steady pace..
i started realsing that she could be the person whom i could spend rest of my life with..

i dont know why, from a guy who was very very very flirty, i started to change,, started to respect female species..
just because of the way she made me feel abt her..
i began to feel that she is my kind of a gal..

Than we started to talk, talk, talk, talk... and i began loving her.. not sure when.. how. why.. where... it just happened.. and when i realised i had been into it, way into it, that i could not pull out myself..

than, i decided not to tel her.. for there lies a fear f rejection in every human...

she is 4 years elder to me.. a divorced lady.. yet, there was something in her, that made me love her, honetly n purely..
and this never changed..

Just when i had decided not to tel her anything abt my love to her, it somehow slipped out of my mouth, and ended up telling her, n proposing her.. this was on 25th december, 2005... that fateful night.. for the fear of rejection, which i was already prepared for, turned into reality..

but, i guess, there is this never give up attitude in me, which makes me keep going, no matter what obstacles come.. probably, this was the reason, for me to let a complete stranger like her to come into my life and make it a better place to be in. she made me realise what smile was, wat love was... wat true friendship was.. wat true love is. wat real caring is..

things began shaping up.. i began trusting her, more than i trust myself.. began loving her, more than i love myself.. but i guess, unlike others, life had its own share of ups n down written.. for me..

many a times, she became upset of my irritating nature, my stuborn yet stupid attitude..at the same time, she respected me a lot.. wanted me to grow in my career, achieve lot of success.. never was a day when i dint speak to her.. irrespective of anything, i used to call her.. talk to her abt my entire day..

if i was happy, i told her i was happy..
if i was sad, i told her i was sad...
if i was angry, i told her i was angry..
if i was upset, i told her i was upset..
if i was irritated, i told her i was irritated..
if i was annoyed, i told her i was annoyed..
if i was pissed off, i told her i was pissed off..
But this had to change,,

no matter wat, i was me when i was with her.. i never lied to her.. never shouted at her, though at times i was

angry on her.. whenever i was possessive abt her, i talked abt it to her.. made her know hw much i love her.. hw much i miss her.. hw much i respect her, hw much i care for her.. infact, my sole reason to achieve wat I am today, is her..

but....

like someone truly said, "you cannot imprison someone in love, just because you love that person", it was just in the making.. every thought, every deed, every intention, every bits n pieces of my life for last 4+ years, is made of her..

until few days back. when she said that she wanted to talk to me abt something.. my worst nightmare was turning into reality and i was not prepared for it. she might hv given many a signs to let me know wat is abt to happen..

may be sea appears to be calm on the surface, but there lies a great torrent within..

few days passed as ages until she told me the hard fact, which i still have not digested.. she told me that she was in love.. she was, is, n will be, in love with a guy, not me.. i dnt knw hw it happened, when it happened..

but it happened..

I could feel the moments just slipping away.. it just passed... she let me know his name.. I was shattered.. and i dnt knw hw to react for that.. its just that, it never sinks in..

but, i guess, my happiness must lie in her happiness.. and may be thats the reason, i am stil awake at this hour,

to let my tears rolling out of my eyes, which are still filled with her beautiful smile, dry.. may be thats the reason, the pricking cold has no effect on my body..

for the first time in so many years, I pretended to be happy abt things that i really was not happy abt..

its said life teaches lessons, but as always, it teaches in the hardest way to forget abt.. finally when i am abt to end this blog, its just letting you knw that I am on my journey, to live with the everlasting moments of my life, with those moments i can always cherish abt..

Life goes on, and my honest prayers for happiness wil always b among my silent prayers..